Down Syndrome

Get ready: i'm fixinta try and write about everything at once...

As we all know, Alison and i are expecting this baby, right? So as not to keep you worried--what with that title and all--i'll just go ahead and say, No, it appears that little Biffle Piepmeier does not have Down Syndrome. Or, to put it another way, we found out today there is only 1 chance in 148 chances that little Biffle P. does have Down Syndrome. According to the medical industry this is a relatively high risk and we should therefore be relatively scared.

Here's the first of many things i'd like to spit out in this post: Why, oh Why did we ever bother to take that first blood test? Alison didn't want to, and i have a spectacular history of failing them. Why did we do it then? Well, i think we did it because we sat there in that damn doctor's office and thought there was a chance that test would give us some clarity. It didn't. We kind of knew, but did not give enough credence to our recognition, that almost no amount of clarity would be good enough.

Here's something else i'd like to squeeze in here: (As the professionals point out) Alison, at 35 years of age and before "risk adjustment," has a 1 in 263 risk of having a baby with Down Syndrome. The amniocentesis, that offers us 99.7% accuracy of determining B. P.'s chance of having Down Syndrome actually comes with a 1 in 100 chance of inducing miscarriage.

And here's some more: No, i do not have statistics or hard science at my finger tips, but i'm thinking there are literally hundreds of things that can go wrong to a pregnancy and brand new people. Autism, cancer, blindness, deafness, terminal hairlessness, juvenile onset diabetes, car accidents, and on and on...why then this huge concern over Down Syndrome? Well, what i'm figuring is they developed a pretty good test for it. You see, no one's said Boo! yet to us about cerebral palsy, but since no good test has been developed for that yet, there's no real profit in it, so i guess they just don't worry about it so much.

Still more: Alison and i went ahead and took that test because i think we both recognize the part within us that wants us one them smart babies: you know, a baby that speaks french and is disdainful of their kindergarten teacher for being pedantic. We have been so automatically set on that notion i reckon we just thought we wouldn't want a baby that was "compromised" in any way. Although we haven't been cavalier about abortion, i think Baxter Sez readers know we're not adverse to terminating a pregnancy because it wasn't the right time, because we weren't ready yet to create that big space for someone else in our lives. But now....now, what if we've come to a place where we have made that space and suddenly things weren't looking right? Would we get rid of this one, too? Hell, here we are wanting a smart baby and this one goes and fails a test before it's even born!

Now, here's where i'm really getting to it: I love two Alisons. One of these Alisons loves power and control. No amount of security for that Alison would be enough. The other one is the diametrically opposed Alison that is extremely courageous, willing to take chances and trust the outcome even though it isn't in her hands. Now, minus the courageousness and the thoughtful part about "trusting the outcome", i was the one largely responsible for the collision of faith and recklessness in Alison's life for years. She handled the power and control part, i did stupid shit and sometimes got away with it. This balance has served us well sometimes, but sometimes--and particularly in the case of this baby--it could have been a real detriment.

I've learned some weird stuff in my life: I've learned that when i really really have to, i can sit quietly and wait for long periods of time. I've learned that disappointment ain't no thang but a chicken wang. Something else that experience has taught me is that all-things-babies is an invitation to chaos. Now, i'm alright with that, but i was worried about Alison. At the drop of any hat, Power and Control Alison could have stepped in and ...well, for all the good it's served her, i just don't think it would have worked this time around. I'd been wary of P and C Alison since negotiations concerning propagation commenced. It was one of my biggest misgivings actually. And then, when we did get pregnant and no big research projects about how to have the world's best pregnancy emerged, i began to think that Mama Alison was going to be one and the same as courageous-and-faith-based-Alison. ...and then Down Syndrome came along.

And finally, the real deal: Tonight we sat and ate burgers at a place downtown. They were pretty good, but i'm not gonna tell you where we were because it's where tourists go and i think it's shameful to go where the tourists are. Anyway, we sat and ate...and cried. We talked fervently about what this ridiculously small chance for having a baby with Down Syndrome meant to us. We talked about the culture wars in America and how it was just like a couple of lefty smarty-pants like ourselves to get so pragmatic and scared about something so out of our control. And we decided that we didn't want to be that way. We didn't want to be filled with anxious expectations like some drooling sports-happy dad at his 7 year old's t-ball game. We decided what we should have decided all along, what several of our wiser friends had already decided before us: that whether little B. Piep passes every test is just not that important. Love is important. Being open to learning what someone else has to teach you is important. Letting go of expectations for a particular outcome in exchange for the wisdom gained by simple acceptance is important.

I'm hoping we're through with those tests now.