12.13.2012

Things that suck a monkey penis; or, requests for suggestions for my column name

As y'all know, I write a monthly column for Charleston's City Paper.  I've been doing it since July, I guess.  It's been fun, and I continually get feedback on it.  For instance, Conseula and I had lunch today at Jack's, and as I was checking out, the cashier said, "I love your column!"

Every time I write a column, though, it's just labeled "Guest Column."  I'm a regular monthly columnist, so it's time that my column has a name.  And I am terrible at coming up with names.  Just terrible.  So I emailed my editor to ask him for suggestions.

He wrote,

Hmm.

Give me some themes to work with. Like say three words.

All I can come up with now is: On a Gender Bender. And I don't think that even remotely works.

So I responded,

Ha!  But that’s better than anything I’d come up with!

Themes: whatever Alison wants to talk about.  Feminism.  Sexism sucks.  Tearing down the white supremacist heterosexist patriarchy.  Ovaries are awesome.

And he said,

Ooh.  Ovaries Are Awesome.  Interesting.

Okay, that was just me riffing.  My column can't be titled "Ovaries Are Awesome."  I'm not that committed to ovaries. They are awesome, but so are lots of other body parts, and really I don't want to essentialize women.

Then this afternoon, I was sharing this dilemma with Amber.  During that conversation, she happened to notice some pictures on my desk--pictures that Catherine, Trey, and I drew over the weekend.  Pictures of monkey penises.  She was sort of shocked.  I told her that sometimes when things suck really badly, they suck a monkey penis.  And that's what these pictures were meant to capture.  (I've made it really small here so perhaps you won't be as distressed as Amber was.)

Then Amber suggested that my column often identifies things that are wrong with the world:  sexist underwear, elected officials who think that you can't get pregnant if you're raped, college campuses where women are raped on a regular basis, and women not being elected to political office.  She suggested that the column be called

Things That Suck a Monkey Penis.

So, Baxter Sez readers, it's time for you to come up with some better suggestions for my City Paper column name.  Please leave them in the comments section!

11 comments:

Karlyn Crowley said...

Oh my god, she's so hot
She's so fucking hot, she's like a curry
I gotta tell her how hot she is
But if I tell her how hot she is she'll think I'm being sexist
She's so hot, she's making me sexist...bitch

Who's the Boom King? I'm the Boom King. Alison is the Boom King.

No? Ok I'll think s'mores.

Mark Fansler said...

Bass Akwards

Mark Fansler said...

or Bass Akwords

Alison said...

Okay, folks, you're coming up with some good material, both here and on Facebook. My dad texted me "Maybelle's Mom Sez," which is excellent, too.

Keep it up! You can title not only my column but other things I haven't even written yet!

Aaron said...

you could call it "why are we still talking about this?"

Tawanda Bee said...

ism comes to mind...[Middle English -isme, from Old French, from Latin -ismus, from Greek -ismos, n. suff.]

Anonymous said...

The F Word

Anonymous said...

Munky Business

or Munky Bizness

Something like that.

Check the urban dictionary for all the different defs. Kind of interesting.

And of course, you can have your private meaning implied, too. LOL.

Anonymous said...

"Warring Against Prejudice"

"Prejudice: Fight or Flight"

Megan The Maybelle Sitter said...

You could title it:
Not the Prime Directive (or Prime Derivative as I thought it was called)
Stop, Collaborate, and Listen
or
Yo Mamma Sez
Youre Welcome Piep!

Elizabeth W. said...

I like Fembiquitous. All encompassing in a way.