Why I'd Just As Soon Chew Out My Own Eyeball As To Go Christmas Shopping

That title is a fake-out. Here's what's really on docket:

I have read the newspaper, listened to the radio, and have watched the news on television over the past few days. During that time i have become hip to many of the subtleties in the important and on-going argument concerning the use--and non-use--of the word "christmas."

I have listened and pondered the matter deeply and, i think, have developed a bit of Solomon-like wisdom on the subject that i would like to share. Here it is:

Y'all, shut the fuck up.