Sometimes I find that I'm out of touch with contemporary masculinity. I was going to write "mainstream masculinity," but I'm not sure I want to be that cynical (and I can hear many of the male readers of this blog protesting--and accurately, I hope--"That's not me! That's not me!"). Here's a story about one of my recent glimpses into masculinity.
The other day Biffle and I were at a stoplight behind a big pickup truck with a bumper sticker that read
My eco-friendly feminist brain started churning, as perhaps your own is right now. "Okay, I get that locomotion is never free. So you have to put gas in your truck. And if you were riding a horse, it would take grass, so that's a better form of fuel, but still not free. But what about ass? Is that referring to a donkey? But that would also be fueled on grass, so that seems redundant. And why does this guy even have this on his truck?"
So I turned, as I do in many things having to do with the mysteries of masculinity, to Biffle, who functions as my translator. Biffle is fluent in masculinity.
"What does that bumper sticker mean?"
"It means that if you want to ride with that guy, you either have to buy him gas, give him some pot, or have sex with him. Gas, grass, or ass."
I honestly would not have guessed that. I know that feminists get a lot of grief for not having senses of humor, but that bumper sticker isn't funny. The only thing going on is that it has three words that rhyme. And I think we can all agree that the guy who put the bumper sticker on his truck wasn't knowingly chuckling at the homoerotic implications of his demand for ass.
10 years ago
13 comments:
That reminds me of the time I had to explain to Declan what a "mustache ride" was. He dickered over the 5 cents.
really, that is what that means? i would have interpreted "ass" as riding on your ass -- on a horse or on a bike -- locomotion takes effort. Larry reads it as setting out the consequences for seeking grass and ass -- nothing for free
I immediately thought it meant what Walter said. Does that mean I'm high in masculinity, or that I've lived around masculine people for a long time...
Yea Alison
While this bumper sticker is particularly crude, I first saw it when I was a teenager (about fift...um.. fort... err twent... uhh.. ten (yeh, that's it) ten years ago...). It does, in fact, mean exactly what Walter said.
It was usually on semis and big rigs and was designed to discourage attempts at hitchhiking. Although, the trucks that had this bumper sticker on it, also had mud flaps with the outline of the nude reclining woman on them.
Classy...
Alison, maybe I should get Walter and you the bumper sticker that says:
"American by birth
Southern by the grace of God"
The Dad
i've always thought that nude reclining woman was classy, too.
What is a mustache ride?
I am amazed that both you and Claire didn't immediately know what that meant and that you've never seen it before. It's an old old old bumper stikcer/t-shirt slogan/bad joke. And I wouldn't be too quick to dismiss the homoeroticism of the whole thing--I bet many a trucker has accepted a blow job from some guy in exchange for giving him a ride somewhere.
Contemporary? Why, that's the nicest thing anyone's said to me in a long time. How did you grow up in the south and never run across this icon of bumper wit? It dates at least back to the mid-70s.
oooh, the mirrored mudflap girl....
Biffle told me what a mustache ride was, so that's all cleared up, in case anyone was worrying.
Well, if you were to straddle someones face who was sporting the aforementioned mustache, you'd be getting a mustache ride. It's one of my more favorite euphemisms for oral sex. Declan had been hired to do cad work for someone making belt buckles with "mustache rides, 5 cents" on them, he thought it was two different buckles, one that said mustache, the other; rides, 5 cents.
Alison-
It isn't that you are out of touch with masculinity, Mr. crass bumper sticker is.
Consequently, Consuela was referring to "nob-bobbing", adding to the list of euphemisms.
I'm surprised the guy didn't have the Geico caveman bumper sticker next to the proverbial gas-grass-ass. What is really sad is that Mr. gas-grass-ass probably thinks his statement is a viable invitation, and is scratching himself wondering why he hasn't had anyone take him up on his offer, and has had to resort to "pocket pool".
I'm busting my gut laughing at the entertaining responses! Great post Alison.
I love it, sarah! A belt buckle that just said "mustache"! whooo, that's funny!
I'm guessing you walked a lot back in high school.
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