A Random Story i Remembered the Other Day

Once, on an old television show called Sifl and Ollie, Sifl mentioned that his least favorite emotion was "itchy." I found this so funny i made a mental note to make comments that followed the same spirit. It wasn't that hard to implement because i'd been doing something like it for years, viz, occasionally i would start to tell a story by saying this is one of the 10 funniest things that ever happened to me, etc. I just made the story a more Siflesque thing by merely changing it to this is the 7th funniest thing that ever happened to me.

So, to do that now, i'd like to tell you the 2nd most boneheaded thing ever done to me by someone: (locations and people changed to protect the unwitting)

I useta work at a bakery near Nashville. We baked delicious things and had a very faithful crowd that would stop in almost daily to get a baked good. A lot of the customers, or course, were people that worked nearby. In the case of this story, one of the near-daily customers happened to work exactly next to the shop. I enjoyed this visit from said customer because she was exceptionally beautiful. And i do mean exceptionally beautiful.

She was an exotic looking woman with effortlessly silky and shiny black hair. She was a beautiful bronze color and had smooth blue eyes that looked out from just right locations on a perfectly formed heart-shaped face. Below those eyes were two curvy, full red lips she wisely kept unmarred by lipstick. All of this--the hair, the eyes, the lips, the heart-shaped face--she kept nicely balanced on a slender neck (occasionally adorned with a simple white kerchief or some other understated adornment.)

Now, i'm a face person, but under the neck she was nigh on perfect also. She wasn't too thin, or too voluptuous. She didn't slouch, nor did she walk too proudly. In every way, this was one of the most beautiful women i've ever looked upon, and my heart would skip a beat when she came in to the bakery.

There was one problem, however: She was dumb as a post.

You may have heard an apocryphal tale concerning turkeys and how, sometimes, they drown in a rainstorm because they continue to look up to see what's hitting them on the head. This isn't true about turkeys. It was true about this woman, however.

So anyway, i was telling a "friend" one day about this woman, describing her in the same glowing terms, and my "friend" interrupted me saying, oh, i know her. She went to school with me. We both agreed on how we both found her astonishingly beautiful. I then lamented to "friend" that it was a shame that such a winsome person could be soooo dumb. He agreed whole-heartedly, and we shared, what i own now, was a somewhat cruel laugh. I mean, she couldn't help it if she was dumb, could she?

A few days pass and i'm there at the counter and our exotic protagonist walks in the door. As she's standing at the counter trying to figure out how to use a knife to put butter on a scone, i passed some pleasantry on to her like it's a beautiful day, isn't it? She responds by saying something like, yes, it is, but it's a wonder i'd notice given how stupid i am, right?

Well, of course, i'm speechless. I hemmed and hawed and finally said, why do you say that? She told me "friend" had told her about how i thought she was soooo stupid. Being rendered speechless i just crawled under a large sack of flour and waited for her to leave.

Later that day i happened up "friend" again and, of course, said what the hell were you thinking, you jerk you?

"friend":Well, i've always thought she was stupid, too, and thought someone needed to tell her.

me: and you told her i thought she was stupid?

"friend": Well, yeah. I mean, if i told her i thought she was stupid she would hate me, wouldn't she?


mary said...

ha! awesome.

Trey said...

Wow. Great story.

It was Chester who said the bit about "itchy," though. :)

The Mom said...

Ooooh, Walter - thanks for the laugh. See you soon.

Anonymous said...

You know, Walter, if you ever get your own blog (or tv show), I think you should give it the same title as this post...

Funny story

Kenneth said...

The moral is, never say anything to anyone, ever.