Since i appear to be mostly powerless over whether these guys continue to send me catalogs in the mail, i guess i'm just gonna have to use one of the few public voices i have and out their company here on this blog as BIG FAT PAINS IN THE ASS!
I have begged, i have pleaded, i have cajoled, implored and fussed and nothing--lo, nothing!-seems to make these guys quit sendin' me these damn things.
They are being sent to the former resident, and evidently also, to all of his friends.
Fortnightly i receive 2 (2!) copies addressed to 5 (5!) different people. They must have signed on for a lifetime subscription for this wildly fascinating paper waste concerned with supplying the industry of copying DVDs and Cds.
Yesterday i made my 30th and hopefully final call to Disc Makers. I explained to the guy on the phone that i knew that he was simply doing a job. He did not deserve to be fussed at. But I thought it was important for him to know that his bosses were sending me 134 trees per week in my mailbox and I wanted them to quit. I told him my cd and dvd copying needs were presently met. That the Halloween Mega Bites special was not tempting to me. I was not interested in Easter's CD Salvation either. That i found Thanksgiving's "If The Indians Had Our Dvds, They Wouldn't Have Been Wiped Out by Influenza Sale" just plain tacky.
PLEASE STOP THE MADNESS," i said.
Anyway, dear readers, whatever you do, NEVER EVER give your name to those lousy tree-wastin' bastards at Disc Makers. If i get one more catalog in the mail, i'm gonna go down there to that place in Tijuana where the owner of Disc Makers hangs out (did i mention he only has one shriveled testicle and has sex with animals?) and punch him right in the nose job.
2.21.2007
Disc Makers
Labels: sillybiffleness
2.20.2007
The World According to Mr. Chase
Sometimes , when i begin a post, i wonder how many total strangers might see this? Like how many people might be reading here that don't already know about bannedfromwalmart.com? Probably no one. Therefore i'll continue without any background story.
I was just thinking yesterday that i hadn't received a good "banned" story in a while. I've only gotten a handful anyway, and many of those are from angry walmart lovers or people's amusing but unusable tales of getting banned for shoplifting or fired for smoking grass in the bathroom, but still, there has always been a slow but steady trickle. So i was delighted to find--even as i thought i wasn't gonna get anymore--an email from a Mr. Chase. He has an interesting world view. Here is his letter:
My story is that you should be banned. I would have done the same thing to you were I there. Wal Mart as we know is the largest corporation in the world. It took a lot of brains to reach that goal. Not everyone agrees with their tactics, BUT they got there. How far along are you to reaching your goal? Maybe if you had some experience in business you never would have spoiled one of your Tee shirts with your childish message. No I do not work for Wal-Mart, nor does any member of my family. In fact I don't know a damn soul that works there. I just respect the fact that, they got there!!!
Mr. Chase's name in his email address had the word "Colonel" attached.
With reasoning powers like that I'm hoping he's connected with fried chicken and not soldier's lives.
Labels: sillybiffleness
2.06.2007
Cute Puppy
A couple of dog stories i tell people (i.e. stories i would tell over a beer, if i drank beer...and with all the tangents left out):
#1: Alison used to dislike dogs. So like early in our relationship i brought home a little teddy bear of a puppy and Alison was unimpressed--she may even have been scornful. Like most things with Alison however, it took about two weeks and she was madly in love. That dog's name was Ursa. She was a chow, and let me tell you: Chows are weird dogs, man. I have lots of Ursa stories, but i'll spare you right now.
#2: Back when we first got Baxter, our friends Wendy B and Dave H turned us on to a dog book--THE dog book--it was called How to be Your Dog's Best Friend, by The Monks of New Skete. (they're actual monks). If you ever get yourself a dog, you gotta read this book. Anyway, Dave and Wendy are a generous sort and after holding onto that book for like 6 months i said to Dave: "Man, i've had the monk book for like 6 months." And Dave said "That's okay. Don't give it back. The next friends you have that get a dog, just give it to them." Well, we did--and passed along the same instructions to that person. I wonder where it is now? Anyway, we still went out and bought our own copy. It has tiny teeth marks on one corner.
#3: My new dog story. Yesterday, Benya accompanied me on some errands. She's still too small to walk on a leash, so i carried her in my arms until i could put her down somewhere (it was nap time anyway, so this was easy). Predictably, people would just melt...
oh my god! loooook at the puh-PEE!!! She is SO cute! What's her name?
--Benya.
What?
--Benya.
What?
--Ben-ya.
What-ya?
--BEN-ya.
What?
--You know, like "been here?"
WHAT?
---It's Beeeen-Yaaaaa.
Ninja!
--No. Benya.
Benya!
--Yeah. Like the gullah.
The What?
Labels: sillybiffleness
2.03.2007
Benya
Alison and i have tentatively come up with a name for the puppy. It's Benya.
Wanna know what benya means? Well, first off it's a corruption of "been-ya," and secondly hang on to your hat and i'll eventually tell you...
Charleston is full of little endearing phrases, and "been-ya" is one of them. Many of these phrases (if not all of them) are stolen from gullah, the creole spoken by many local African-Americans. See, here's the deal:
Prior to american black people being able to walk around enjoying only a minor level of hostility like they are today, and before they ate in separate cafeterias like they did at Vanderbilt hospital when i was a child; before they could attend public schools like when my dad was in his late teens, or before they could vote easily in the south like when my grandmama 'Dene was getting married; before our country even passed a law that allowed black people to vote at all, like when grandmama Dene's mother (one of the early caretakers of my father) was a child, white people owned them--much like Alison and i now own a dog.
In Charleston, white people owned lots of black people. These black people, or slaves (as some of our neighbor's great grandmothers were called) had been knocked cold one morning while they slept, or maybe they were caught in a net like Charleton Heston was in Planet of the Apes, and were transported from some part of Africa to this part of America to grow rice for the white folks.
Now these white folks liked the set-up they had quite a bit: mostly they spent all the hot, malarial months of the summer in their homes downtown--right close to where Alison and i live now--and they made those slaves do all the work out on nearby islands. Right about 1863--about the time my grandmother's great grandmother was born--Abraham Lincoln signed into being a document called The Emancipation Proclamation that ostensibly freed all those American black people.
Now, it didn't really work, of course. Those white folks were lazy, lazy white folks. These white folks, with names that sound a lot like the names of streets around here now, were so lazy they couldn't grow their own food, and they for sure couldn't get along without all that slave labor. So, they did the only thing they could do: they sent mostly poor white men's sons to fight for them. It didn't work. 250,000 southern men died of injury and disease before the end. (ironically, many of the poor ones today seem to hope we will resume this fight at some point).
Anyway, having lost the war, the lazy rich guys had to give up ownership of all those black people. That was the bad news. The good news, on the other hand, was that at least most of those black folks lived, all isolated and stuff, out on those islands.
And there they stayed. Having been brought in from locations all over the world, they spoke many different languages and had many different cultural customs. All this stuff--much like white america's "melting pot"--got thrown in together and formed one big ole culture: The one we now call gullah culture.
But, unfortunately, this isn't the end of the story. Yeah, i said "and there they stayed" but that's not really true. I should've written "and there they wished they could've stayed."
But they couldn't.
Eventually the white folks took notice. They saw the places where the gullah people had farmed, lived, loved and died for over a hundred years--and they said hell, that land's worth a lotta money!
And so they bought it.
And for the second time, there was a diaspora. The people of these islands and their cultures were spread across the greater lowcountry, and what had been their ancestral land was turned into private islands and golf courses and 6,000 square foot homes.
Now, that rich heritage of religion and language and folklore is all but gone. Well-meaning white folks have taken up the banner of preserving it all by starting funds for tours and museums and other ways we tend to preserve our dead things. Ironically, all of this is taking place right now while the actual bearers of the information--the people who still speak the language and still remember the stories--work long past retirement age and call white people half their age "suh."
And so, now i come to that part of the story where i tell you what a been-ya is. But first...and yes, after all that i just wrote i really do have the nerve to say "but first," so, seriously:
I wanna tell you what a been-ya is, but first, i'd like to add one more thing to the pot. It has occured to me that someone may think it kind of strange or flippant that i can combine something so whimsical and happy as a puppy name with something so dark as human slavery. I mean, I think that's kinda weird, too.
But i know why i can do it.
I can do it because i don't believe in big deals anymore. I admitted to myself that I am capable--as is everyone else i know--of really dark thoughts and deeds. And owning up to that has kinda cramped the style of the bogeyman that circles 'round and around, protecting all my secrets. Like the abominable snowman on that christmas special after he got his toothache fixed, my bogeyman's not scary anymore. He has been taken down to a manageable size. See, as long as he stayed big and loud and scary--or kept me convinced that he was someone else's bogeyman--i knew i was never gonna do anything about it. But I did do something, and now i can write about puppies and slavery--all at the same time.
A "been-ya" is gullah for someone who's lived here. Been here. Been heah. Been-ya.
Alison and i, by the way, are "come-yas," or, in other words, we've "come here."
And now it's time for a walk with Benya and the Deez.
Labels: race, sillybiffleness
1.30.2007
Something Nice
Proudly, Alison and i have all but quit watching the television. Oh sure, i'll turn it on if she goes to bed before me--see if i can't catch a Mythbusters i haven't seen (like many people, i'm sure, i've got the hots for the girl on there)--but mostly we just turn it on to watch a dvd.
(another factor is that Alison has really never watched teevee anyway. It was just me. However, since i have stopped smoking AND decided that sugar was killing my brain and hence given it up, i just can't allow myself to sit there and look at it. i wasn't previously aware of it, but i have always abhorred television--i evidently just tolerated it because it give me something to do while i ate really awful things).
Anyway, that's the case this evening. No television. Alison and i are sitting at the table both playing with our computers. I figure she's actually working. I've been reading people's blogs.
I don't do it much. Mostly i just maintain my end of this thing because i've found that people seem to like me more when i don't talk to their face like i talk here on this blog. It's an outlet, you know? Anyway, i went on a blog binge and enjoyed the pooh out of it.
This is what i have to report:
Tonight i have throughly enjoyed reading a blog called
Tiny Cat Pants. (which oddly--or perhaps not--addresses a post to one of Alison's childhood friends, Tracy Moore.)
Also, i want to say that Alison and i have been remiss by not adding JAZ's most excellent blog to our "blogroll" or whateverthehellyacallit over there on the side of the page. I spent quite a bit of time reading him tonight and found myself enamored of him...with him...gee whiz...found myself enamored.
okay. there you have it.
Labels: sillybiffleness
A Common Denominator
Alison and I spent a fun weekend in Richmond, VA with Trey and Megan. (that's Alison's brother and sister-in-law [and in-laws all-around for me]). We ate lots of good food, had fun shopping around in Carytown (an endless row of funky, locally-owned shops) and saw the movie Pan's Labarinth, which, i do believe, could easily fit into the category of Gory Christian Allegory.
But that's not the point of this post. Here's my point (or the beginning, thereof): For Sunday morning breakfast Alison and i went over to Trey and Megan's (we stayed at a hotel). We stopped and bought some sausage and the Richmond Sunday paper. In that paper was a story about how parents letting kids drink alcohol at parties was responsible for the deaths of several area teenagers per year. Turns out that thirty states in the U.S. allow parents to give consent to their children drinking--and anywhere! Like at a restaurant and stuff. How cool! Did you guys know this?
Alright. Now hold on to your britches...
Anyone who has visited Charleston has seen sweetgrass baskets. Local folks--gullah folks--have made an independent living down here for a long time by making these baskets. They sell them downtown in the touristy Market and they sell them on the side of the highway coming into town. Well, growth around here is threatening the well-being of a particular type of grass of which these baskets are best made. It's a shame because to lose these basket makers and their art would be a terrible loss.
Here's another one:
There is very close to 3,100 dead soldiers in Iraq as of this writing.
and another:
My mfa project consisted of work that took place in two poor crime-ridden neighborhoods in New Bedford. During the time i was living there, Alison stayed in Nashville in our house--also in a poor, crime-ridden neighborhood. Also, when i drove back and forth between these two places i would pass through one of the poorest, most crime-ridden neighborhoods of all: the South Bronx.
or:
it appears that we are altering the climate of the planet rather quickly.
or:
the average American spends almost 45 minutes of their day driving to and from work.
or:
14.4 billion dollars were spent on public safety by the Department of Transportation in 2004.
or....
naw, that's enough. The common denominator, of course, is the automobile.
I recently started playing a game called "what part does the car play in this?" and discovered that it's a big factor in a lottalotta stuff. It's amazing what kind of hoops we'll jump through just to keep from saying "hmmmm...maybe limiting the use of the automobile is the solution here."
Give this game a try for yourself and see what happens. When another sticky issue raises it's head--whether it's the destruction of a neighborhood or making child car seats affordable to the working class or U.S./Chile relations--try factoring how that situation would change if the automatic right for the use of an automobile was to have its carte blanche revoked.
Labels: sillybiffleness
