Someday the profits I live on will be my own,
But for now I need your help to have a home.
Sure, I could go to school and get more student loans,
But where would you be if I left you all alone?

--“So Now Hey Girl,” Biffle, c. 1997

The house was a mess last weekend—filled with people and stuff, baby Molly crawling around, Catherine, Deandra, and I lounging all over the living room and kitchen making food, talking, navigating the animals, and in the midst of it, I had a realization. I’m living a really self-sufficient life right now—much more self-sufficient than I ever thought was possible. I’m in a new town, at a new job, making new friends, and I’m doing it on my own, without Walter or any of my support system being here with me (other than Baxter, of course). And while I see this level of self-sufficiency as useful for me, since I’m someone who’s been dependent on various folks for my sense of wellbeing for much of my life, what I realized over the weekend is that it isn’t a good fit for me. The life I’m living right now just isn’t a good fit.

I like a house full of people. I like a life full of people. I don’t want my main focus to be my career. I know that my career will always be incredibly important, but it isn’t enough for me. I don’t know exactly where this realization is leading me, but it seems pretty clear to me right now that my life isn’t supposed to stay this way.

Here’s a picture from this weekend—I’m in Massachusetts, with Walter. This picture is a good documentation of how we spent much of our day yesterday, and Walter was amused by how often I would stop and say, “Isn’t this nice? This is so nice!” I was just profoundly grateful to be with him, both of us doing our own thing, but doing it together.

Aside from all the practical and professional benefits of the move to Charleston, the one thing I want the most from this new phase in my life is clarity—I want this move to Charleston to give me a clear sense of what I want, what my priorities are, what matters to me, where I want my life to go from here. And I think I’m beginning to get that.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I'm grateful for the looks into your thought processes! I'm glad you're seeing that you can be self-sufficient and that you don't HAVE to have the people you love with you to know that they're with you, and that knowdledge can give you the freedom to make choices that you would have made thinking that you had no other choice! I think we talked about this during our trip to Charleston when you were moving, but I'm glad to see it is happening the way you had hoped it would.

Love, Mom