3.02.2010

Sleeping

One of the challenging things about my healing is that my mind and body seem to be working at different rates. And not what I would have expected: my mind often seems to be going at its normal speed. Friedman had always said that my comprehension wouldn’t be affected, so perhaps this is what he meant. I'll get exhausted--just completely exhausted--and lie down in bed, my eyes closed, my body completely still. It looks like I'm asleep. Biffle and my mom have walked in or by and seen me and assumed I was asleep. But my mind is racing along. I'm making plans, big things and little things I'd like to do. I plan things as simple as a box of baby things for a dear friend's baby, or things like what I want to journal or blog about. I think about people I want to connect to, or gifts someone deserves. I'm reading books at a fairly good pace, and there was one I really wanted to write a mixed review about for the blog, and I knew almost exactly what I wanted to say. But actually having the energy to sit at the computer and write is something else and happens much more rarely.

Part of this is because playing with Maybelle has become my top priority. I wrote somebody recently and said, "I'm feeling as anxious about being around Maybelle as I was before the surgery. But without the anxiety." That’s about right. I was so fearful before the surgery--it was the stuff I wrote about in my blog post about keeping all my ducks in a row. Now my feelings are much more settled, since the surgery went well and I'm just healing. I'm sure Biffle would emphasize that I'm still anxious, and of course I am, because they promised that my personality wouldn't change, and I'm a person who operates at a more anxious level than lots of folks. But the point is that I find that I really just want to be with Maybelle, to watch her and play with her. There's still stuff I can't always do with her, but every day I seem to be able to do a tiny bit more and a tiny bit more.

By the end of her day, after I've been part of her bedtime routine (which is quite lovely), I am worn out. It was at one of these post-Maybelle times of the day that Biffle took the picture of me sleeping on Benya--although, to get me back to my point, I wasn't actually asleep then. I might as well have been asleep because of what my body was doing, but I was lying there completely still thinking thinking thinking. It's as if my brain is still getting ducks in a row. I'm not actually thinking about work quite as much as you might expect, so that's good news. But I am thinking about work in the larger sense: what do I have to say? Who do I have to connect to? What are the next plans for me, personally and professionally?

Maybelle's at Olive's house right now, so I have a little time after my midday nap (my little three or four hour midday nap) to write. I might post this on the blog later, because that I'm usually able to do in the evening. But even something as simple as responding to emails is pretty tough at the end of the day. I usually read emails at least once a day, but it often takes me much, much longer to reply. Sometimes I don't at all.

5 comments:

Tawanda Bee said...

i broke my hand monday morning, so i sit here and type with only one...thus i cannot hit the shift key for capital letters. i was not a good typer anyway - meaning that i do it my way versus the right way.

anyway, i was so surprised how tired my body was for 2 days. i kept thinking, it's only my hand!
nonetheless, i slept/dozed/rested all day monday and tuesday. so i think our bodies just need to heal themselves and rest is how that happens.

my hand - my pinkie - took 2 days of rest. i think that translates into several months for you!

rest well my sweet alison. you are well loved.

slwscout said...

Ah, ruminating thoughts. I have vast, personal familiarity with them. They are part of what makes a strong and interesting person. It can help if you think of them in computer terms. Your brain is like a hyper-fast, latest technology dual core Intel processor which is stuck with an old-school dial-up internet access. The bottleneck is in getting the information out.

Whenever you get frustrated, imagine that old, annoying whee-uh-ooh noise. :-) Broadband access will return!

Love,
Sara

Anonymous said...

Hey, Alison...and Walter, and Maybelle!

I am so grateful for this blog, and all the juicy information that is so readily available to answer the mental Diva who keeps asking 'so what's going on with Alison?'

I started to watch the staple video, but had to turn it off when I heard myself yelling "no, no!" The dogs didn't know what was going on.....

So glad to have some communication from your Self, Alison, it's just a joy to read your words, and follow your progress.

God is Big.

Love you all.....

Kathy V in Nashville

Anonymous said...

We're happy to read whatever you have the time and energy to write, Alison. Please don't push yourself on our account.

Brian McGee

RNW said...

I just like to come by and check on you. I'm glad you are getting such good time with Maybelle. That sounds like the best part of all of this!